I'm having a hard time right now. I feel like nothing is going right. I hardly see people because I or they are either in class, or busy. Whenever I have free time I just end up sitting by myself and watching TV or spending hours on facebook, which I hate because I'm a very social person. If any of my friends and I are free at the same time, there is nothing to do in Abilene (unless we go to walmart) and so we all just sit around bored. I also feel like I am having hard time with things because I still have some problems with people my own age. I have always been really good working with kids and so I have spent much of my time with them, sort of unofficially mentoring them and just spending time with them. I know that for someone who is a few years older to hang out and just spend time with a kid is a great confidence booster and also gives them a mentor and someone that they can talk to. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love doing it and really get a lot from it. I have also always been very mature for my age, thus I have always loved being around and talking to adults. However, I think that since I never have really spent a lot of time with people my age, I have a hard time relating to them and have a hard time knowing what to say or do in a group. I also feel like I am losing a lot of friends that I do have because I hardly see them, not only because of college, but because I have always kind of pushed things to the side. I feel like I’m losing these connections with friends and that is really hard for me because the people I know are so important to me and I don’t want to lose connections with them and never see them again. I am such a sentimental person and this is probably one of the hardest things for me; I really miss my friends and family. I also worry too much. I worry about my friends and family, I worry that I’m not trying hard enough, I worry that nothing I do will matter, I worry that I won’t make a difference, and I worry that I don’t try hard enough to see people I know and meet other people. I worry about people’s problems and try to fix them; if I can’t fix them I feel like I should be able to. I think sometimes I almost care TOO much, I always put others before myself and will do anything to help people…but I love to help people..it’s what I’m good at and it’s what I love to do. I am constanly thinking about the people I know, and hoping that everything is ok with them, but I hate not seeing them and being able to be there for them if they need me. I also worry that I won’t make as much as a difference as I hope to make in this world. I just really want to be able to care for and show love for kids who have not been shown care or love in their lives. I wish I could be more relaxed and not get so stressed out over these things but it’s my nature, I wish I could just have had an easier time making friends when I was younger. I also feel like I think too much about things, I think too much about a girl who I have liked for so long but who doesn’t know. I wish I would have gotten to know her better while we were in the same place, then maybe I would have told her how I fell. Now I just feel like there is no possibility for anything between me and this girl who I have liked for almost 9 years. I worry that I am to reserved when it comes to participating it things that would help me meet new people. I just wish things were easier. I want to do well in college and make my parents proud, but I also worry that my college is too expensive; I could go to a different, cheaper school and get just as good of an education. I also worry that something may happen to a friend or family member and I may not be there to help them. I also am scared that I won’t be able to make a big enough difference in people’s lives, especially in the lives of children that are hurting from neglect and abuse. I wish I could start helping those children today, but I also know that I need the education in order to do that. I WILL finish college and I WILL get my degree. I am determined to do the most good that I can during my lifetime. I wish I didn’t worry so much, and I wish life could be easier, but I know that neither of those will happen. I have a real hard time being away from all the amazing people that I have in my life and I fear that I have made mistakes that have caused people to not see the real me or have caused me to push people away that I want to be closer to. I know that I am rambling and that I sound depressed but I’m not. I just need to get all these things off my chest or I’ll go crazy because I think about these things all the time..all at once. I know God’s plan for me, I know it will work out and I know he will get me through my thoughts and worries.
(I promise I'm ok, I just needed to get this off my chest) :)
